“I- I’m not really sure,” Seth stammered. 

 

I passed him his coffee and reclined in his chair. “You don’t have to understand what it means, man. Just describe how it feels. Like, what is literally going on with you *right now*?”

 

Seth huffed and brought his mug to his lips without drinking. His eyes traced back and forth along the mug’s rim as he thought.  

 

When he didn’t answer after a pretty long stretch I said, “smaller question: do you feel better or worse after ‘talking’ to Jack?”

 

He responded with a short sigh this time. Then he mumbled into his coffee,”different.. not really better.”

 

“Ok, so what’s different?”

 

“It’s... like before it was all..” Seth gestured energetically, “And now it’s more like..” his gesturing slowed as though the air had turned to mud. 

 

“Ok, so what I’m hearing is you started out sort of amped, and now your way less amped.  But both feelings aren’t.. great.  Am I translating that accurately?”

 

“*Yea*, pretty much.”  He sounded extremely uncomfortable.

 

“Does it *feel* to you like this is just because you feel guilty about what happened?  Because... you were kind of acting weird before this.”

 

“I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I’m all... emotionally distraught.”

 

“I mean.. having feelings isn’t generally considered abnormal.”

 

“Ok, but like this?  So suddenly for no apparent reason??” Seth flailed. “And stop playing devils advocate, *you* just called me out for acting weird!”

 

“Yea, ok, you’re right. I’m feelin’ real *contrary* lately.  You *are* acting weird, for you. For a normal person you’re standard. Just, fuckin, weird behavior and emotions flying every which way for no good reason. And by the way, I get why you feel bad about that shit with the room, but like, dude... no way you coulda stopped it. It was like a blink. Unless you got some mad time wizard powers or something— wait *do* you? Because I would *love* to get back to a time when I was fully medicated. Have I been talking for a long time?  Because I *feel* like I’ve been talking for a long time.”

 

“It was turning into a bit of a thing, yeah,” Seth said. 

 

“Oh, wait I just gave myself an idea!”  I turned to his computer, then turned back and stood up out of Seth’s chair. “I dunno where you keep shit, but you should look at your own feed or whatever. Right?  Maybe something’s happening.”

 

Seth sank into his chair and pulled up a new window. He looked a lot like he did now. Sort of sad and tired. “Oh shit,” Seth said to his feed.  “Michael just left for military school.”

 

“Military school?  Who’s Michael?  How old are you right now?” I asked. “Sorry, that was a lot.”  I squeezed my eyes shut for a second and tried to slow down. 

 

“It’s fine... I’m eighteen. Michael is *currently* my best friend.  We grew up next to each other.”

 

“I have so many more questions,” I said. 

 

“Let me just-“ Seth took a breath and continued, “Michael is about three or four years younger than me, but people usually assumed he had seniority because he’s outgoing, and he looks people in the eye when he speaks to them, and he just generally understands social cues.  I graduated early, got a job in programming, got this place... Michael was literally my only real life friend so I’d pick him up after school and we’d hang out or whatever. Then he got in trouble one too many times for beating up kids who were being assholes to other kids, so,” Seth shrugged, “his dad sent him away to military school to learn, like, discipline or something I dunno. I think it just made him better at beating up assholes, but... parents are frequently stupid.  So then I was just.. alone in my apartment. I worked from home, I could get anything delivered, so I just didn’t see any actual people for a really long time which... I did *not* think would bother me as much as it did, but I got really depressed.  I tried to go places where there were people but I... I dunno. I didn’t know how to talk to them, and I don’t know about you but it’s way more depressing to feel alone when your surrounded by people, so...” Seth shrugged. “I didn’t want *new* friends anyway, I just wanted *my* friend.”

 

“So,” I started, then considered what I wanted to say first. “Is Michael the boyfriend you sometimes make vague reference to?”

 

Seth smiled. “Yes—“ Then he gasped. “Which totally explains why I let Jack— fuck I’m projecting *all* of this onto him. Jesus fucking—“

 

“Oh hey, Jack didn’t push you into it though, did he?”

 

“No, I made a choice. It’s cool.”

 

“Ok. Because that kid is not great with boundaries.”

 

“I know. Don’t worry about it. I can handle Jack.” Seth tapped his desk absently. “He’s just so messed up right now I don’t wanna... inadvertently *use* him because I’m not used to.. to being so full of feelings all the time.”

 

I snorted. “He probably already knows.”

 

“He did say ‘I know what this was for you’.  I suppose he could have meant it on that deep a level.”

 

“Sometimes it seems like he knows other people better than he knows himself.”

 

Seth brought up Jack’s feed again. He was still laying in bed. His eyes were open and he was just staring straight ahead. 

 

“He needs something to do. I can’t send you out while I’m.. like this, but he can’t just sit around doing nothing.”  Seth’s brow furrowed as he watched Jack.  His breath was unsteady, and he sometimes tried to hide it by idly holding his coffee mug in front of his face. 

 

“I guess *knowing* your projecting doesn’t make you stop doing it,” I commented.

 

Seth sighed, “Yea. Well.”

 

“I’mma go check on him,” I said, “you should think about... what you wanna do.”

 

Seth groaned and planted his forehead on his desk. 

 

One corner of my mouth twisted. “You wanna do Jack again, don’t you?”

 

“Yes!  And it’s weird!  Now stop talking to me!”

 

I laughed and backed out of Seth’s computer room.  I got another cup of coffee from the kitchen before I went back to the guest room. 

 

“Hey Jack,” I said and set the coffee down on his nightstand. “How you feeling?”

 

“I’m alright,” he said, but didn’t move. 

 

“You *seem* alright,” I commented ironically and sat down on my own bed. 

 

“Is Seth ok?” Jack asked. 

 

“Uum, he’s in sort of a weird place right now,” I answered. 

 

“Is it because we..” Jack sat up. “I think I might have— Is it my fault?”

 

“No, he was weird before.   That’s why it happened, actually. He says he made a choice, though, so it was ok. But maybe... don’t...”

 

“But what if he *wants* to?” Jack pressed. 

 

“I mean yea, whatever, but if he’s not giving you any signals don’t go fishing for them,” I said. “He’s weirdly vulnerable right now.  If you push, he’ll probably cave, and that’s cheating.  That’s like throwing dynamite into a pond to catch fish. Ok?  It’s not cool.”

 

“Okay,” Jack said and looked at the floor for a moment. “Do you know if we’re doing anything today?” 

 

“I dunno,” I said, “he doesn’t want us going back out while he’s all.. whatever he is, but he also doesn’t want us doing nothing so.. I dunno.”

 

Jack stood up, pulling his blankets with him like a robe. “You wanna,” He slinked a few steps closer to me, “get wrecked?”

 

“That very much depends on how you mean that.”

 

Jack leaned down so that he was *very* close to my face.  “I *mean* I can just pop home for a sec and grab my opium-“

 

“Yea, no,” I interrupted him, “I don’t know what that’ll do to my brain meats, and I’m kinda fuckin with my meds right now so... I’m thinking I should stick with drugs that I know what they’ll do to me.”

 

“So that leaves..?”

 

“Caffeine and alcohol.”

 

“Oh, well I can also pop home and grab some gin!  Then after we drink so much we can’t feel our faces, we can f-“

 

“Jack we’re not fucking. You are an adult.”

 

He pouted at me. “If I’m too old for you, then why are you more responsible than me?”

 

“Just bad luck I guess,” I said, then added, “also you’re a rich, aristocratic man-child who’s never been responsible for anything in his entire life.”

 

Jack stared at me with his mouth open. 

 

“Sorry. Too blunt?”

 

“Too honest, man!  Come on!”

 

There was a knock at the door and we both looked. 

 

“Put some cloths on, Jack,” I said as I stood. 

 

Jack bustled around, and I waited at the door until he was dressed. 

 

“What up, Seth?” I said when I opened it. 

 

“Um, first of all: nobody’s getting ‘wrecked’,” Seth declared. “Second: Do.. you.. guys.. wanna help me sort through a butt-load of Data?”

 

Jack groaned behind me. “Why does that sound like homework?”

 

“Don’t think of it like homework,” Seth said. “Think of it like... sorting through everything you just purchased so you can see how it fits in with the stuff you already own.”

 

Jack chewed on his lip while he considered this. 

 

“C’mon man, it’s something to do,” I coaxed. 

 

Jack sighed and gave up. “Ok *fine*.” Then he muttered under his breath, “getting wrecked is something to do too.”

 

Seth scoffed quietly. 

 

We moved to the living room. 

 

There was a crawling sensation across my shoulder blades that I’d been successfully ignoring all morning.  It got a little more insistent as we sat down.  Actually I was starting to notice some dark static around the edge of my vision, and there was pressure in my head. 

 

I needed more coffee. 

 

“One sec, guys,” I said and went to the kitchen. 

 

I heard footsteps behind me as I stirred sugar into a fresh cup of coffee. Jack put his hands on my shoulders and traced his fingertips up and down my arms. 

 

“How about fixing me a cup, hm?” He purred in my ear. 

 

“Jack, you barely touched the first one.”

 

“I’ve got something you can touch.”

 

“Jack—“ I spun around to scold him, but he wasn’t there. 

 

He was sitting in the living room. Waiting. 

 

“And so it begins,” I muttered. 

 

Until now it’d been mostly bugs and whispers. I could ignore the skin prickling and the passing paranoia, but hallucinating people I knew was.. difficult to deal with. 

 

I returned to the couch with my mug and sat down silently. My head was stuffed full of static for a good five minutes. Seth was talking and I was just looking at him. Could I even move right now?

 

I sipped my coffee. 

 

Yea I guess I could. 

 

I couldn’t hear what Seth was saying. I could see him talking but I just heard this.. sort of.. high pitched ringing, but it was quiet. There was no other noise just that quiet tone that seemed to emanate from everywhere at once. 

 

I remembered it happening in school. I couldn’t hear, and I knew I should be paying attention so I could explain it to Laura— oh fuck. Jack. There’s no way he’s going to retain anything. He’s gonna ask me a million questions!  I need to—

 

The ringing changed somehow. There was something under it. Like white noise. 

 

Like static.

 

The static got louder and I felt... I felt like there was something coming at me real fast. I couldn’t see anything. I just had the bodily sensation of acute dread that accompanies something *coming at you real fast.*

 

The sensation peaked, and I tensed all my muscles so I would’t visibly react. 

 

The moment of impact- or the moment when the impact *would* have been- brought my hearing back. For a moment the ringing got louder, but then it morphed into speech and I realized it was Seth’s voice. 

 

I took a deep breath to steady myself and tried to look casual about it. 

 

I noticed the screens behind Seth were on and he was occasionally gesturing to them.  I blinked, and drank my coffee, and tried to make my eyes focus on the screens. 

 

“Aaaand that’s basically it,” Seth said, “any questions?”

 

Well fuck.

 

My knee-jerk reaction was to pretend everything was fine.  But then I thought.. Seth would be fascinated and distracted by this, why the fuck shouldn’t I tell him?

 

“That’s a terrible idea,” Mr. White said from behind me, and I startled. 

 

Jack and Seth both glanced at me. 

 

I gestured dismissively. 

 

Jack began speaking and I payed attention just long enough to discern that he was asking Seth a question.  I turned my attention to Mr. White. 

 

Seth is safe. What do you think will happen?

 

“Is he safe??  He seems weird lately. No? His behavior has become unpredictable. You can’t tell him anything. You don’t know how he’ll respond.”

 

I know how he’ll fucking respond.  He’ll be fascinated, and he’ll ask me a million questions. He’ll forget for a minute that he feels weird— and maybe he’ll just straight-up go back to normal. I don’t know how shit works here. But *thats* how he’ll respond. 

 

“What if he’s *too* fascinated??”

 

You’re fucking paranoid. 

 

“No, *you’re* fucking paranoid.”

 

I resisted the urge to shoot him a hard glare. 

 

“If you tell him how bad it is, you’ll never stop thinking of ways he could hurt you with that information.”

 

Only because you’ll be here whispering that shit in my ear!

 

“It is still what would happen.”

 

This is stupid. 

 

“Andrew?  Are you with us?  Hello?”

 

I snapped my attention to Seth. “Sorry, what?”

 

Seth studied me for a moment. “Are you alright?”

 

“I’m.. uh.. yeah, I’m just..” I rubbed my head. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t figure out what I should do. 

 

Also Seth’s face was starting to.. melt?  Just a little bit?

 

“Uh, Y’know what.. I’m feeling kinda..” I stood up and looked at the ground.  “..weird. I think I need to just..” I trailed off and wandered away in the direction of the guest room. 

 

I curled up on my bed, back to the door, arms wrapped tight around myself, fingers digging into my shoulders.  

 

I breathed. 

 

My head was full of static. 

 

My skin was crawling. Not just across my shoulder blades anymore. My arms and legs prickled too, and my mind happily interpreted the sensation as tiny little insect feet.  

 

I heard the door open and close again. Someone carefully approached the bed.

 

“Andrew?” Jack said quietly.

 

“I’m fine. Go away.”

 

The mattress shifted, then I felt Jack’s hand on my arm. “Are you sure?”

 

“Yes. Please. I just need some space. Ok?”

 

“You sure that’s what you need?”

 

A second hand landed on my hip and I raised my head. “Jack, don’t.”

 

“Don’t what?” Jack purred as his fingers traced their way around my waistband. 

 

“You know what!” I snapped and raised my arm to shove him away. 

 

He fell onto the floor with a thud. 

 

I scrambled off the bed. 

 

Jack smoothed out his cloths and sauntered towards me. “How rude,” he said. 

 

I backed up instinctively, cornering myself. 

 

“Don’t be a tease,” Jack said as he closed the space between us. 

 

“I’m not!  I’m literally doing *nothing* to encourage you!” I shouted. He leaned in and I turned my face away. “You can’t be fucking real,” I muttered, and I planted my hands against his chest to hold him back. 

 

He *felt* pretty fucking real though. 

 

And strong. 

 

I slipped to the floor and pulled myself into a tight ball. I hid my eyes behind my knees and covered my ears with my hands. I could still feel him touching me but I couldn’t hear his words or see his face. 

 

“Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away! GO AWAY!  YOU’RE NOT FUCKING REAL!! You’re not real! You’re not real! You’re not real. Not real. Not real. Not real. Go away. Go away. Not real. Not real. Not real. Not-“

 

“Andrew.”

 

I looked up immediately when Seth spoke. Not-Jack was still on me, and I grabbed him by the hair and yanked him out of my line of sight.  He yelped, and cried. I tried (and failed) not to look at his face.  My heart ached a little. 

 

Seth motioned towards the doorway with his eyes, and I saw Jack standing there, looking apprehensive. 

 

“I.. uh.. I bet you all heard that, huh?” I laughed a little, but nobody else did. 

 

I was still holding not-Jack down by his hair. 

 

“I also saw it,” Seth said. 

 

“Oh. Right cuz’a my fuckin... feed.”

 

Mr. White appeared over Seth’s shoulder. I trained my eyes on him and glared. “And you’re just a goddamn asshole for the sake of it, aren’t you?”

 

“Why do you think *that* is what you’re hallucinating?” Mr. White motioned to not-Jack. 

 

“Don’t fuckin’ start with me.”

 

Seth and Jack exchanged looks.

 

“No really,” Mr. White purred, “You don’t think it’s because Jack is pushy?  You don’t think it’s because you’re waiting for the day he doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer?”

 

I stood up, hand still clinging to not-Jack’s hair. “I don’t think it fucking *means* anything!”

 

Seth flinched and took a step away from the space I was shouting at. I glanced at him and I’m not sure what my face did but I felt a sudden jolt of something I’d never experienced before. 

 

But nobody had ever seen my hallucinations before either.  Mr. White implying that the subject matter had anything to do with how I actually felt made me aware that Seth might also draw this conclusion. 

 

Then it occurred to me that Jack might also be aware of the subject matter.  

 

I couldn’t tell by his behavior. He was looking down and lingering by the open door. That could just be because I was acting fucking crazy and screaming at shit that wasn’t there. 

 

I glanced down at not-Jack and he was melting. I gasped and let go of him and scrambled away from his body.  I didn’t trust myself not to look so I put my hand over my eyes. 

 

“Melting people,” I muttered to myself, “why’s it always fucking melting people?”

 

“Andrew?”  Jack’s voice said. 

 

I didn’t look. 

 

“Andrew?” Seth this time.

 

“This is escalating really fucking fast,” I said without moving. 

 

I, uuh.. wasn’t doing great. 

 

Knowing what was happening could only help so much. It was still fucking twisted.  It was still a whole lot all at once. Why did it always have to be people I was close to?  Why did it have to be Jack?  Why did he have to be *melting*?? (Not like candle wax either. People melt like they’ve had acid tossed on them.)

 

“You’re gonna be ok, Andrew,” Seth said and touched my shoulder. 

 

“How would I even know if this is actually you?” I asked. 

 

“You wouldn’t,” Mr. White whispered in my ear. 

 

I bit my lip instead of shouting at him. 

 

“Just try to think about what’s happening at home for a second,” Seth said, “maybe you’re timeline is accelerated.”

 

“I..” I tried to think.  It was difficult. Everything outside of my immediate experience just felt like static. “I can’t. I don’t know. There’s too many.. layers. Too many.. realities.  I can’t... can’t...” 

 

The image of not-Jack melting in my hand flashed through my mind, and then it was the only thing I could focus on. 

 

My skin crawled. 

 

“Maybe,” Seth mused, “you need to go home. At least then you’ll have context.”

 

“Maybe,” I agreed.

 

I felt warm, suddenly. Like I was standing too close to a bonfire. I removed my hand from my eyes to shoo Seth away from me. Everything was too close. Everything was spinning a little. 

 

Without looking at the corner where not-Jack was melting I briskly exited the room. I headed for the kitchen and put my head in the freezer. It helped but not as much as you’d think. I stripped off my sweater and dropped it on the floor. 

 

“What.. uh..” Seth hesitated in the doorway. Jack stood warily behind him. 

 

“I think I’m fucking dying.”  

 

I pressed a bag of frozen something to the back of my neck. The heat was not abating. A burst of sparkling stars erupted in front of me and I hurried to pull my face out of the freezer. 

 

My knees hit the floor and I managed a short breath before I heaved. My vomit looked like fat slimy beetles and I recoiled from it. 

 

“Fucking Christ.”

 

I slid across the tile until I hit the cupboards. I leaned against them, breathing hard. 

 

A weird little robot zipped out of the other room and cleaned the floor. Seth closed the fridge door on his way over to me. He crouched down and touched my forehead with the back of his hand. 

 

“You’re hot to the touch, man.”

 

“I think.. this is what if feels like right before you spontaneously combust, so.. you guys might wanna stand back.”

 

Seth laughed. “I am *certain* that is not what’s happening.”  

 

He pressed one finger to his temple for about two seconds then motioned in the air in front of him. His eyes focused on a space between us like he was watching a screen I couldn’t see. 

 

“Wha-?” I started, but Seth raised a finger to stop me. 

 

“Hold on. Your mom’s on the phone, I’m listening.”

 

Oh. He was looking at my Home Feed. 

 

“Oooh, ok. You’ve started the new meds, but they’re making you sick. Doc says the side effects are temporary so you just gotta soldier on.”

 

“That is some fucking bullshit,” I muttered. 

 

I let my eyes slip closed. 

 

I felt heavy. 

 

When I opened my eyes I was in my bed in Seth’s guest room.  I felt.. irritable. And anxious. 

 

Jack wasn’t in the room. He must be with Seth. I wondered if Seth was watching me.  Or maybe he was too distracted by Jack. 

 

Not-Jack’s melting face flashed through my head again and I stared intently at the wall.  It wasn’t real. None of that had been real. 

 

I sat up and went to the door. I opened it just a crack and peered into the living room. Jack and Seth were on the couch. Jack saw me and tapped Seth. I pulled the door shut and locked it. 

 

I paced back and forth. My heart was pounding and I wasn’t sure why. 

 

I didn’t even know if they were really sitting out there.  It could all just be in my head. 

 

This whole place could all just be in my head. I could be in a fucking mental hospital right now. The belief that I lived inside a girl named Marcy could just be a really weird delusion.  This room hadn’t even existed when I got here. Seth made it out of nothing. How believable was that?

 

I unlocked the door and peaked out again. 

 

They were still sitting there. This time neither of them acknowledged me. 

 

I needed to go home. This was getting too weird. I was still unmedicated. I could feel it. I recognized this feeling of suspicion about everything. I couldn’t tell what was real.  

 

I thought about going out there and telling Seth to send me home, but my heart rate kicked up and I second guessed the thought. I closed the door again and sat with my back against it. 

 

I didn’t know what I should do. I wanted to go home, but I knew that wouldn’t fix this problem. I’d just become immediately suspicious of all the people I knew there and I’d be left with the same feeling. 

 

But I’d be *home*. 

 

There was a gentle knock on the door and I gasped audibly.

 

“Andrew it’s Seth. And Jack. How are you feeling?”

 

“Paranoid as fucking *shit* man!”

 

“Ok. I hear you. Um,” Seth paused. “I don’t want to assume but.. you probably wanna be someplace familiar, yea?”

 

“Yea.”

 

“Do.. you want me to send you home now?”

 

I thought for a moment. I liked it here when my head was right. I liked Seth and Jack. Reggie was cool too. I didn’t really want to leave, but I wasn’t well, and I needed real-time context about what was happening to me.

 

For fuck sake it should have taken at least a month to step off my meds, and it felt like it happened in a few days. 

 

I couldn’t keep up with myself. 

 

“...Kinda,” I said finally.