Andrew took Jack to their room and I... I frowned at my computer screen. 

 

There was a strong possibility that this only happened because I was distracted.  Maybe.  Maybe I just felt real bad about it.  

 

I looked back over the footage several times and couldn’t figure out *how* they entered the room. I mean.. there was a static disruption in the feed, and then they were inside the room so *obviously* it happened *during* that period of time but... but *how*!?

 

I should have been paying attention. I didn’t even see the disruption the first time around. They opened the door, and my eyes darted sideways to glance at Nathan’s feed, and then... and then Jack and Andrew we freaking out, trying to exit a room they never actually stepped into!

 

Well, actually Andrew was extremely calm about the whole thing. *I* was definitely freaking out though.  I was already feeling strangely concerned about Nathan, and then I fucked up my job because of it. 

 

Maybe If I’d seen the static... I.. I don’t know maybe I would have told them to back away. Maybe I would have.. god I don’t know!  I don’t know what I *would* have done because I *didnt* see it!  Because I was distracted!

 

I stood up and paced behind my computer chair.  My eyes were still fixed to the screen. Nathan wasn’t even doing anything and I couldn’t stop watching him. I only noticed anything was happening with Jack and Andrew because of a sudden flurry of motion in their window. 

 

Jack was sick, which was unsurprising.  

 

The back of my neck prickled with heat and my heart thumped almost painfully behind my ribcage.  I had to do something.  I had to fix this somehow.  Or.. if I couldn’t fix it, I had to find a way to make it stop happening.  Distracted was fast becoming an understatement.

 

I felt obsessed.

 

I couldn’t send Andrew and Jack back out there while I was like this.  It clearly wasn’t safe.  *And* Andrew was stepping off his medication.  I had to be *more* on top of my shit, not less. I was lucky this time.  Andrew was able to come up with a solution to the problem I created.  I couldn’t count on that being the case every time.  

 

Regardless of the safety issues, if I couldn’t focus on work then it was pointless to attempt working.  This recent occurrence had valuable implications about the physics of our subconscious mindscape, but I couldn’t think about *any* of that right now!

 

I was so consumed with worry.

 

Two options occurred to me:  I could either stop looking at Nathan’s feed and try to force him out of my mind, or I could go visit him and hope that speaking with him would somehow get this feeling out of my system.

 

My heart rate kicked up at the thought.  My whole body seemed to vibrate at the idea of being in the same room with him.  Wanting something this badly made me second-guess whether it was a good idea.  I didn’t usually *want* anything so desperately.

 

No.  No this was stupid.  I had to just shut this down and stop dwelling on it.  I didn’t need yet another person knowing that I existed!  I should just record the relevant information and move on like I did with everything else.

 

Marcy hurt Nathan.  She said everything was his fault.  Nathan didn’t understand what he’d done to upset her.

 

It was the same pattern with Jack.  Marcy hurt him, blamed a bunch of stuff on him, and Jack didn’t understand why she was angry.  

 

I should look through Marcy’s feed to see if she had any other victims—

 

*”I’ve never been so fucking scared before!”*

 

I closed my eyes against the sudden memory, but then I could see Nathan’s face in my mind,  all twisted up with anguish.  I took a deep breath and looked around the room.  I *really* wanted to be rational.  I *really* wanted to shove this aside and get on with my work.

 

I just couldn’t.

 

Every moment that I was actively avoiding thinking about Nathan I felt like I was coming apart at the seams.  Dwelling on him made me ache, but not in the same way.

 

I had to go.  I had to see him.  I had to do *something*.

 

I taped Nathan’s code to my Everywhere Door and reached for the knob before I hesitated.  My mind was blank for a moment.  I didn’t know what was stopping me.

 

“Fuck, I should tell them I’m leaving.”  I turned around and looked in the general direction of the guest room.  I thought about what to say.  Everything seemed stupid.  I was going to be awkward as fuck.

 

I wrote a note and left it on the outside of the computer room door, then I zipped through my Everywhere Door before I could hesitate again.

 

Nathan looked up at me from the couch.  He was eating peanut butter from the jar and he paused with his tongue pressed to the back of a spoon.  He blinked at me.

 

“Hi,” I said, awkwardly, “sorry.  I just.. barged in here, didn’t I?”

 

Nathan nodded slowly, hummed in the affirmative, and slowly put the spoon back in the jar.

 

“Sorry,” I said again. “Um, I’m.. uh…” I looked for something to say.  Now that I was actually here, I realized I wasn’t really sure what I was doing. “H-how.. how are you feeling?”

 

“I’m..” Nathan paused to clear some of the peanut butter off his tongue, “..good?”

 

“No, I mean really.”

 

Nathan took a breath.  “…you don’t think you’re a ghost or something right?”

 

“No no, I know what’s up.”

 

“Do you know why Marcy’s mad at me?”

 

“Yeah, actually.”  I crossed the room and sat down next to him on the couch.  “You’re the one who realized we didn’t have to, um.. *obey* her.”

 

“Oh..” Nathan’s gaze was distant for a brief moment, then his features tightened.  “Oh god.”  His eyes darted back and forth as he processed his thoughts.  The corners of his mouth pulled downward.  He pulled in a ragged breath and trapped it behind his hands.  A muffled whine eked out of him.

 

I felt everything.  He remembered the moment.  He remembered feeling everyone understand what he understood, and he remembered the wash of relief and freedom we all experienced in response.  

 

What he understood *now* was the pain and betrayal that Marcy felt in that same moment.  He understood now that she had been carrying these feelings around, and he had no idea that he’d caused her any pain.  He felt that he should have known.  He should have thought about her.  He should have realized.

 

“It’s not your fault,” I said and rested my hand gently on his knee. “Anyone could have—“

 

“It just didn’t occurring me that she’d feel so...” Nathan sniffed and wiped his face with the back of his hand. 

 

“You can’t think about everyone all the time, and,”  I shifted in my seat, “I think Marcy is angry about a lot of things right now. I think she’s confused, mostly, and she doesn’t know what she wants. You’re not the only one she’s hurt.”

 

Nathan exhaled loudly and rubbed his hand over his face. 

 

“I- I’m really sorry,” I said, “that she hurt you.”

 

“It’s not your fault,” Nathan said. 

 

“You know what I mean.”  I shifted a little closer to him. “I don’t usually... *feel* so much, but I...” I didn’t know what else to say, and my fingers squeezed his knee involuntarily. 

 

Nathan looked at me.  I met his gaze briefly, then focused on the bridge of his nose.

 

“Yeah,” he said slowly.  “I almost feel like…”

 

He trailed off, then we both looked down when my hand began to glow.  I almost pulled away, but I steadied myself.  I knew what this was.  I shouldn’t be afraid.

 

The light spread and encased us, and then we were just one person.

 

“Woah,” we breathed.  

 

His turmoil became my turmoil.  His memories became my memories.  I felt Marcy’s hands on my throat, and my vision blurred.

 

“Its ok,” we said with our mouth, but it was Nathan speaking to me.  I felt our body tremble, and he repeated the words, “Its ok, its ok, its ok…”

 

I remembered the dream I had, and I felt our body startle at the memory.  “It’s ok,” we repeated, but this time I was speaking to Nathan.

 

“No,” we- Nathan said.  “No we used to be—“

 

“Why is it *so* hard for you to heed my warnings?” A man appeared before us with a disapproving look.

 

“What?!” We said in shock.

 

“What do you need, Seth?  Hmm?” The man asked, rhetorically. “Aversion isn’t enough for you. You just become intrigued by it and keep pushing!  I made Andrew put you to bed, but do you lose interest?  Does your pain make you apprehensive?  No!  You just. Keep. Digging. So what is it?” He stared at us. 

 

Was this a real question now?

 

Our mouth opened, then shut again. I knew the answer. Nathan wanted to say it, but I knew better. We weren’t certain who this guy was, or what he wanted— well, we knew he wanted to keep me away from Nathan. 

 

The man heaved a sigh. “Reason. Of course.  You need a real reason.”  He paced back and forth briefly then looked at us again. “Maybe this will stick, somewhere, in the back of your mind after I take these memories away from you again: You were separated, for a reason, and it was painful.  Now you’ve found each other, and you both *almost* remember it. You feel that pain?  That’s NOTHING!!”

 

We flinched when the man raised his voice.

 

Then he lifted his hand and gestured, and Nathan and I split apart. Nathan bristled and gripped my hand. 

 

“Are *you* the one who—“ I started, and the man interrupted me. 

 

“No. I didn’t separate you the first time. I don’t have that power. The only reason I can do it now is.. well you aren’t really One anymore. You are two separate substances. Like salt and water. If you boil off the water, the salt is left behind. You seemed like one, but you’re *not*.”

 

“But *why*?” Nathan pleaded. “Why do we have to... I mean... I... I felt so smart with him...” 

 

I squeezed his hand. 

 

“Yea and I felt... well, like I had feelings,” I added. 

 

“Feelings are overrated, Seth,” the man said. 

 

“I disagree!” I shouted.

 

“Well you can either be smart and indifferent, or smart and cynical.  Or you can be like Nathan.  Mostly happy, but basically ignorant.”

 

“Hey!” Nathan protested.

 

“Don’t bother being offended.  You aren’t going to remember this.” The man responded.

 

“You can’t stop me from figuring this out,” I said.

 

“And *you* can’t stop me from taking it from you every time you do.  Now stop arguing with me.  Stand up.”

 

I did as he said without deciding too.  Nathan gripped my hand, and I gripped back.

 

“Go back through your door,” the man ordered, “and sit at your computer.”

 

I moved toward my door, but I struggled to keep Nathan’s hand.  He squeezed.  When we slid apart his claws cut through my skin.  I gasped quietly but continued unwillingly to my door.  

 

I sat down at my computer and waited.  I watched Nathan’s feed.  The man approached him, touched his face, and leaned down to kiss his forehead.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, then turned and came through my door.  He snatched Nathan’s code from its surface, and I watched my door disappear from Nathan’s basement.

 

Nathan went back to eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon.

 

I felt a hand on my shoulder.

 

The man leaned down and closed Nathan’s window on my screen.  He maximized Jack and Andrew, who were now resting in separate beds.  Well.. Jack was resting, and Andrew was watching him.

 

“This is your priority,” he said, “whatever feelings you have, are for them.  You led them into an unfortunate situation.  Jack is unwell because of it.  This is why your heart hurts.  You *do not* know Nathan.  Your response to his plight was a fluke.  You were exhausted.  You will put him out of your mind, and *focus* on your *job*.”

 

I blinked.

 

Tears filled my eyes as I stared at the screen.

 

Jack looked so frail.

 

I didn’t know how to make it better.

 

I didn’t like this feeling.

 

Was my work even worth this?

 

I had to keep Marcy from hurting us.  I had to figure out how to contain her.  How could I do that without understanding our world?  How could I study our world without a team?  Could I go out there myself?  I could just watch my own footage for anything I’d miss in person.  That way.. the only person I could hurt would be.. myself.

 

But if I got trapped somewhere, then I couldn’t.. *finish* the job!

 

“Ugh!”  I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms.

 

I didn’t know what to do.

 

I scribbled Reggie’s code and taped it to my door. 

 

“Knock kno-  oh fuck I’m sorry!”

 

I began to back out of the room, but Artemis stopped me.  “Dude wait!  Are you okay?”

 

Reggie twisted around to look at me. “Oh my god, have you been crying?  What happened??”

 

Reggie and Artemis were on the couch and were very *obviously* just about have sex. Reggie was on top of Artemis. His shirt was open. Her shirt was on the coffee table. 

 

“No, I’m sorry. It’s... nothing I can’t handle by myself. I’ll just—“

 

“*Seth*!”  Reggie got up and marched over to me. She grabbed my wrist and pulled me into her apartment. “What’s wrong?”

 

I looked from her to Artemis, who was sitting up and listening with what I assumed was concern. 

 

“I...” I looked down at the floor. “I fucked up.”

 

Reggie wrapped her arms around me and brought me to the couch. I sank down into the cushions with her and she leaned into me.

 

“I.. I wasn’t paying enough attention to them, and now Jack is all fucked up- *more* fucked up than he was before.  I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t send them out again, not after this. Not after I *fucked* them like that!”

 

“Whoa! Hey!”  Artemis leaned in.  “You made *one* mistake, man.  It happens.”

 

“Artemis, you don’t even approve of my work so-“

 

“I have a problem with mass surveillance.  I *don’t* have a problem with you studying our environment.  Those are, like, two completely different things.”

 

“Ok, whatever,” I muttered.

 

Reggie squeezed me and rocked me back and forth a little.  “Hey,” she said at length, “what’d you do to your hand?”

 

I looked at my left hand.  There were three scratches down the back of it.  I spread my fingers and sucked in a breath.  “The fuck *did* I do to my hand?”

 

Artemis leaned over to have a look.  “Looks like a big cat got you.”

 

“Well I don’t *have* a cat so…” My tone was not kind.

 

“Seth, sweetie,” Reggie cooed, “I know you’re very upset right now, but I need you to *try* to be nice to Arty.”

 

I took a deliberate breath and rubbed the bridge of my nose.  “Sorry.  I’m sorry.”  I felt tears prick my eyes again and I folded over into my lap.  “Fuck.”

 

Reggie stretched her arm across me. I heard Artemis get up from the couch, go somewhere, and come back.  He put some kind of cream over the scratches on my hand then covered them with a large bandage. 

 

“...thanks,” I mumbled. 

 

I took a shaky breath and tried not to sob. 

 

“I’m sure Jack will be okay,” Reggie said. 

 

That didn’t make it easier. 

 

I spent a while with Reggie and Artemis. I was watching Andrew and Jack in the corner of my Ocular display.  Mostly they were resting. I let Reggie make me tea and I was nice to Artemis (I don’t know why I wanted to snap at him, but I did and it wasn’t cool) until Jack woke up. 

 

Andrew had already been up for a little while and was just sitting around, occasionally whispering to someone I couldn’t see.  I wasn’t even interested in that. 

 

I should have been. 

 

Nothing was interesting right now. I was just caught up in how I felt.  So when Jack stirred I stopped being able to hear anything Reggie was saying.  I stopped breathing and just watched him for a solid thirty seconds. 

 

“You ok, Seth?”

 

“Uuum, yea. I gotta go.” I stood up and went back to my home. 

 

I’m not great at social etiquette. 

 

I went straight to the guest room and knocked quietly. Andrew pulled the door open. 

 

“Hey,” I said awkwardly, “Is Jack... um..” I was going to ask if he was ok, but I knew he wasn’t. “Can I talk to Jack?”

 

“Yea man.  You feelin’ ok?” He asked. 

 

“I’m..” I hesitated at the urge to lie to him. What was that about? Did I not trust Andrew?  Or did I want to deny this to myself?  Well that’s rediculous because I’m only here because I’m a fucking mess right now.

 

“Hello?”

 

“I’m fine, Andrew.  Just- just.. *go away* for a minute. Alright?”  Maybe I just didn’t want to talk to him right now. 

 

“*Ok* man, but you’re acting weird,” Andrew said as he brushed past me. 

 

*Yea. Well. I AM weird.* I thought as I pulled the door closed behind me.  

 

I took a breath to steady myself. I wasn’t sure what I even wanted here.  I just couldn’t stop thinking about Jack. 

 

“Hey,” Jack said from his bed. He wasn’t even really up yet. He was still half under his blankets and rubbing sleep from his eyes. “You ok?”

 

“I..” I looked at Jack, then at the floor, “I sort of came here to ask *you* that.”

 

I heard Jack shift in his bed. “Come here,” He said, and patted the mattress. 

 

I sat on the edge of his bed and didn’t look at him.  The mattress shifted as Jack crawled closer to me and draped his arms over my shoulders from behind. “I don’t blame you for what happened,” he said with his cheek pressed against my cheek. 

 

Any chance I had of keeping it together was obliterated by Jack’s proximity.  I could feel him breathe and I could feel his chest and his skull vibrate when he spoke. I could feel that it was true, too. He didn’t think it was my fault, but it *was*. 

 

Air shook into me and a fresh burst of tears rushed down my face. Jack’s arms tightened around me. “Shh,” He soothed, “it’s not your fault-“

 

“It is, though!  I wasn’t paying attention!  I was distracted, and I looked away-“

 

Jack pressed his lips against the skin right in front of my ear and murmured, “It happened so fast, Seth. I doubt your attention would have made a difference.” 

 

“But I—“

 

“No, shhh.”  Jack pressed his tongue behind my ear and I held my breath. 

 

I was startled by Jack, first of all, but also by how much my body was responding to him. I was *not* in love with Jack, but I *was* having a lot of feelings *about* him right now. I guess that was enough. 

 

My skin tingled pleasantly where he touched me.  When my breath came back it was slow and shallow. 

 

“Everything is ok,” Jack whispered, “don’t worry about me.”  His lips skated gently across my neck and I let my eyes flutter shut. 

 

Did I want to do this?  I so rarely wanted things, it seemed like a waste not to take the opportunity.  Jack had casual sex all the time. There were unlikely to even be any strings attached. 

 

I let him continue. 

 

After all the stress and guilt I punished myself with it felt nice to allow the pendulum to swing in the other direction. 

 

Jack was more than willing to do most of the work. I always felt disoriented and lost when  I was enjoying myself. If my brain still worked then I wasn’t into it. There didn’t appear to be an in between for me.  The act either consumed my entire world like I was on drugs, or it did absolutely nothing for me. 

 

Jack guided all of my actions. I could feel him in my head. He knew my preferences without needing to ask, which was fortunate because I wouldn’t have been able to speak coherently if he had. 

 

Moments passed in a blur of frantic pleasure. 

 

Jack held me tight when I cried again, then he untangled himself from my desperate clinging so he could lay on top of me. The pressure helped me return to myself.

 

“I love you,” He said after a long stretch of silence. 

 

My eyes widened and I stared at the ceiling.  I opened my mouth, not sure what to say but feeling myself panic. 

 

Jack raised his head. “Shh.”  He kissed the side of my face. “It’s ok, Seth. I know what this was for you.”

 

I let out a breath. 

 

Jack kept kissing my face. “I just love everyone.” 

 

When I finally left Jack’s room I stood outside the door for a moment and looked around for Andrew. I didn’t want to talk to him or anything.  I was actually checking if he noticed me, but he wasn’t in the living room. 

 

You couldn’t see this wall from the kitchen, so I assumed that’s where he was. Probably drinking all the coffee in my fridge.

 

I didn’t notice the smell of fresh coffee. 

 

I didn’t notice it getting stronger as I opened my computer room door. 

 

I looked toward my desk and saw Andrew sitting in my chair with a mug of coffee. There was a second mug on the desk. *My* mug.  

 

I realized in that exact moment that my computer screen was on and it was displaying Jack’s feed. In Full Screen. 

 

“Hey so, uuuh.. y’seemed weird earlier so I thought I’d make you some, like, actual, real coffee (not that bottled crap in your fridge).”

 

We looked at each other. 

 

“I only caught the last three minutes.  Hand to God-“ Andrew lifted his right hand. “-It was just spooning.”

 

“Oh my god,” I sighed, and swung my door shut behind me. “Is there any chance you’re gonna just leave and forget about this?”

 

Andrew shook his head. “You’ve been actin’ weird. I thought you just needed to sleep, but your still being weird.  What is *up*, bro?”

 

I wished I had an answer to that question.