Seth was distracted. That was good. Nathan was still sulking, but he was healing. That was also good. 

 

Marco was still with Kasey in the woods. This was less than optimal, but considering his temper lately perhaps it was for the best.  They were both protector class, however, so their simultaneous indisposition was inconvenient to say the least. 

 

David sent Artemis back to Reggie, which was good for Reggie but less good for David. He wanted to be alone but his desire was at odds with his needs. It didn’t have to be Artemis, but it should be *somebody*. 

 

Marcy was no longer with Louis [Louie]. She was with Mr. Black. Not optimal. She had not paid Kasey the visit she previously intended. Probably good.  Perhaps Louis’s objection dissuaded her. 

 

Presently Marcy was staring blankly Outside.  The body was not solidly occupied by any one person.  Marcy forced it to do things when the need arose, but she did so from a distance.  In this state the body had more opportunity to react instinctually to stimuli. 

 

This was not optimal.

 

Our current situation was stressful. Our body was experiencing stress. Our girlfriends were experiencing stress. Kate expressed her stress loudly, which added to the stress on our body. Susan expressed stress with her breath, which also added stress to our body. She also experienced chronic fatigue in response to stress, frequently leaving us alone with the Loud One.

 

The stress was compounded by being squeezed into a studio apartment with our school friend, Harvey.  There was not enough seating, or space to sleep.  Our body was pained by sleeping on an actual mattress, so an inadequately padded futon was generating nearly untenable amounts of bodily discomfort. Harvey had surrendered his mattress to Kate, who’s physical condition was worse than ours. We could still walk, however painfully, after a night on subpar bedding and Kate could not, so...

 

The arraignment was what it was.

 

Kate was upset about something. Her voice vibrated painfully in our skull. There was a note of panic, which in turn stabbed panic through our own bodily reactions. 

 

Marcy groaned, “not today I’m so tired.”

 

She did not want to expend the energy our body used to be in an accelerated emotional state. 

 

“As if you didn’t have enough to deal with,” Mr. Black egged. “How dare she usurp your attention with her frivolous nonsense.”

 

I crossed my arms and shook my head disapprovingly. 

 

“Her concerns are valid,” I said. “Our situation is not good.”

 

Marcy accepted my words as her own thoughts and did not respond to Mr. Black. 

 

“She doesn’t have to be so alarmist about everything,” Mr. Black responded to the words in Marcy’s mind. “Everyone is stressed. Everyone is aware of the problems. Screaming at us about it helps nothing!”

 

I snorted. “She is not screaming. She is scared— and Susan is engaging her. We don’t need to do anything.”

 

“Susan is annoyed with her relentless negativity too. Listen to her tone. She is also sick of the sky falling every five minutes!” 

 

I scowled. “Do not attempt to interpret Susan’s tone!  She’s odd!  And you are exaggerating the frequency of Kate’s meltdowns!  Your anger is selfish—“

 

“My anger is justified!!” Mr. Black looked straight at me for a moment before he turned his attention back to Marcy. “She is hurting you, Marcy. Angie was never like this. She had her faults but she never carried on like this. You can feel it, can’t you?  That pain. That jolt of electricity every time she makes that noise- and she doesn’t care!  She only cares about HER needs!”

 

“Mr. Black is not to be trusted. Don’t listen to him. Don’t say anything. Don’t *do* anything.  Don’t listen to his words. He is made of malice.”

 

I took a deep breath and rested the backs of my fingers against my lips. I needed to think. I needed to keep us under control. 

 

This was happening more and more lately. The conditions Outside were tenuous. The body was unhappy and it wanted to act out. Keeping it still was to choose pain. 

 

Kate expressed that she noticed “everyone” tended to leave a room when she entered.  She had feelings about this. 

 

“Don’t,” I warned. 

 

“Well perhaps she should try shrieking less!!” Mr. Black ignored me. His form began to sizzle and smoke. 

 

“Shh,” I attempted to soothe Marcy, but Mr. Black was appealing to her pain and it was difficult to compete with that. 

 

Others were becoming aware of the rumblings Outside.  They observed quietly, waiting to see where this was going. 

 

Kate’s voice echoed through the worlds, “and we haven’t had sex in like two months!”

 

I bristled and stepped forward. 

 

Our reaction was mostly confusion. Anyone close enough to sift through our memories was doing so in an attempt to gauge the statement’s accuracy.

 

In the background, Mr. Black seethed. “How. Dare! SHE!” He roared. “Did she NOT previously impress upon us that it was OK for this to happen?  Did she not explicitly say she would NEVER pressure you about it?  LIAR!!”

 

I held the body still. Nobody would speak. Nobody would move. I felt the heat rising inside us, and I breathed. 

 

I dared to gain clarification. We have just moved into an unsatisfactory living situation, surely she did not expect us to perform under these conditions- never mind that Marcy had already made sure nobody would use her body in this way no matter the circumstance.

 

I formed our words carefully. “We’ve been busy with moving-“

 

“It started *before* that!” 

 

I had to admit that hearing her voice from the driver seat felt a lot more like screaming than it did from the Inside.

 

I looked at the floor. 

 

I breathed. 

 

I felt our face contort in confusion. Katelin’s emotional state made it difficult for me to think. Now that I was Out here I was having difficulty tracking time. Events came to mind sporadically, and out of order. I couldn’t remember the last time we had been intimate with Kate and Susan. 

 

The more solidly Outside I was the less I remembered about our inner workings. The same was true for everyone. I could feel the others thinking, and the more they accessed our conscious thoughts the less they knew about our conditions Inside. 

 

We thought it might be Dante’s influence that caused this sudden and dramatic lack of intimacy. He didn’t like to be touched, and he was *not* fond of women.  It was a logical place to land— and he was tangentially related to the issue, but I wouldn’t remember that until it was safe to let go of the reins again. 

 

I kept us quiet.  I did not know what words would mend the situation. My head was full of static, but I knew that any words I spoke, no matter how well chosen, would be colored by the poison coursing through us. I felt our toxicity and I knew better. At this point any words and any movements would be aggressive. 

 

I didn’t hear what Susan was saying. All I could hear was the tone of the words around me. I could gauge a lot from tone.  

 

I was unable to track the amount of time that passed before Susan calmed her down.  There were still countless other thoughts milling about in the background, overlapping and interrupting each other until it was just a muddle of colorful fuzz. 

 

When the tension faded from our body and it seemed as though the subject would be dropped for the time being, I retreated back Inside. 

 

Brian was waiting for me.  

 

He was sitting on the ground. Sobbing. 

 

I went to him and got down on the ground. I scooped him into my lap and squeezed him against myself.  

 

“I suppose you heard that?”

 

“Why is she maaaaad?!” Brian cried into my chest and gripped my clothing tightly in his little hands. 

 

“She isn’t mad, Brian.”

 

“She’s yelling at us!!”

 

“She isn’t yelling *at* us. She isn’t even yelling anymore. Everything is ok,” I said. 

 

“No!! She’s mad and she’s punishing us!!”

 

“Shh,” I tried to soothe him, “breathe.”

 

“Make it STOP!” He cried. 

 

I kissed the top of his head, and I took his pain, and his memory of the last thirty minutes or so.

 

My heart rate increased.  My bones ached and my stomach turned.  My fingers and my muscles felt stiff. My eyes were scratchy and irritated. I absorbed the hurt, absent the emotion it represented. 

 

Brian quieted as his pulse settled, and he loosened his grip on me.

 

I did not let go of him, but my eyes felt heavy. I let them slip closed, and when they opened again the world was vibrating with rage. 

 

“Oh no.”

 

I stood up. Brian was still asleep on the ground. His mouth was drawn into a sharp frown.  He was connected to our body, and it was still burning with anger. I had taken the physical markers of his emotions to allow him some calm, but he was only one part of us.  He was not the source. 

 

Somebody was still hurt, and he could feel their emotion. 

 

I looked Outside. 

 

“Oh no,” I said again. 

 

It was Marcy. She was in her body now.  She laid in bed, having woken for a new day, but not moving a muscle.  Her heart was pounding. Racing. Rage surged through her muscles and she dutifully laid there, not acting on it. 

 

Her mind, however, was screaming. She repeated Mr. Black’s sentiment: how dare she! How dare she!!  How dare she!!!?

 

I observed silently. Waiting. 

 

Within a few moments Kate stirred. I could hear her voice, but she was addressing Susan. They were across a small room, but it was far enough that her first words sounded like a series of quiet squeaks. 

 

“No no I don’t know!” She finally said loud enough that I could hear. Marcy’s stomach burned with a fresh surge of irritation. 

 

*What is her fucking problem NOW?!*

 

“It feels like.. some kind of psychic attack or something!”  Kate’s voice rose.

 

I felt Marcy hold her breath.

 

“You have to stop,” I said to her. 

 

“Am I doing that?”

 

“Possibly. You project your emotions.  You need to stop this.”

 

“How am I supposed to fucking do that?! This is how I FEEL!!”

 

“Go away,” I said. 

 

“I CAN’T! I’M ALWAYS HERE!  EVEN WHEN I’M NOT HERE, I’M HERE!  I DON’T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE!”

 

I glanced at Brian. His sleeping face was now contorted into a deep scowl and his body was pulled into a tight ball. I could feel the fire inside him. When Marcy was overpowered he would likely awaken and express the rage that was currently coursing through our physical form.  When he was spent he would likely experience acute depression.  I did not desire to leave him alone with that. 

 

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I exhaled and sent a message to everyone. 

 

“Restrain Marcy!  She is Outside!”

 

I felt a shift in attention. Many of the others were experiencing emotional distress in response to our body’s rage, but there were a handful who were able to respond.  

 

They all moved at once to subdue Marcy. 

 

The fire moved inward. Our body sat up. The psychic attack ceased. 

 

Brian woke up. 

 

I watched him. 

 

He simply sat for a moment. Frowning. Breathing hard. When the feeling did not simply wash over him and dissipate, he began to thrash. 

 

I did not attempt to stop him. He could not harm himself. He was already dead.  Restraining him would be counterproductive.  This energy existed, and it could not be destroyed. It could only be redirected. If it was not spent Outside, it must be spent Inside. 

 

Brian was one of the many shouldering that burden right now.  

 

Perhaps if I had denied his previous request that I “make it stop” we would not be experiencing this current upheaval. 

 

I kept an eye on him while I checked Outside.  Susan suggested we go for a walk. That seemed useful. She led Kate and us to a nearby park. Our conscious feelings shifted from rage to shame.  We were contemplating our feelings about intimacy. 

 

Someone thought the word “impotence”, and I silently created a loop that did not allow the analysis to progress any further.  Now was not the moment for any dramatic personal realizations. Things were already too chaotic. We didn’t need to add any fuel to this fire.  This was a secret I had kept for as long as I could remember, and there was no telling what kind of upheaval would result from revealing it. 

 

Brian screamed and pulled his hair and bit his arms.  While he was dead his form was not altered, but after some time I noticed hair coming loose in his hands and red marks on his arms.  

 

He slid back to a moment when he was alive. 

 

He still could not permanently damage himself, which was fortunate because Brian was unable to feel physical pain. He only experienced emotional pain.  Which is not to say that his body did not respond to being damaged. His emotional state was still effected by negative physical stimuli, he was simply unaware of it. 

 

I waited patiently for his rage to be spent. 

 

After some time his screaming subsided. He was silent for a moment until a sob bubbled out of him.  His voice rose again, this time to satisfy a different pain.  It ebbed and flowed.  There were moments of rest and moments of activity.

 

I continued to wait patiently.

 

Brian did not make any sound for a longer interval than usual. 

 

I watched him closely. 

 

He sat up. He took a breath. A new round of tears spilled down his cheeks. 

 

“It hurts!” He cried, and I moved closer to him.

 

“Where does it hurt?” I asked him. 

 

Brian lifted a hand and pressed it to his chest, then his stomach, then his throat. “I-I don’t know!!” He cried.

 

I gathered him in my arms again and held him tightly. It had gone on long enough. He barely had any energy left to spend, there was no reason to let him wallow in this pain. 

 

“Do you want to know a secret, Brian?”

 

He gripped my shirt in his fists. I could feel him trembling against me. 

 

“I am not your brother, Brian. We are even closer than that. You and I.. used to be the *same* person.”

 

Brian looked up at me.  He did not understand. 

 

I kissed his forehead and rocked back and forth.  A dim light emanated from between us. It grew in intensity until it enveloped us. 

 

Brian sank into me. I felt him alter my perception. My experience. 

 

I felt the pain he spoke of.  It was somehow in my body but not at the same time. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but it brought tears to my eyes. 

 

Brian gave me a whole dimension of sensation that had been absent for a long time. I could feel his sorrow, and I could feel *mine*. Now that I was merged with him, I felt the absence of so many others. 

 

I was overwhelmed by it. 

 

Brian wasn’t the only one who used to be a part of me. They were stripped off one by one as the need arose.  In the name of efficiency.  In the name of survival.

 

I felt hallow. 

 

I remembered feeling this way before, the last time I merged with Brian. 

 

The last time I merged with Brian?

 

Oh God.

 

There were so many other times. 

 

I only remembered them while it was happening. 

 

I remembered having this same realization dozens of times. 

 

I felt panic, and I felt myself pushing him away. 

 

I tried to hold on but we split apart. 

 

I gasped, and choked, and retched. 

 

The emotions drained slowly out of me, and with them the memory of what I had just experienced.  Brian was curled up on the floor, still sobbing. 

 

I sat next to him. I placed my hand on his head. Already I couldn’t remember what the pain felt like. I couldn’t feel the place where emotions lived anymore, and I couldn’t imagine them. I remembered that it had hurt to be merged with Brian, but I couldn’t remember how.  I was already starting to forget that I had made this mistake dozens of times before.  

 

As I sat there and soothed Brian I forgot everything.