I was picking up slack for Marco since his meltdown. He was willing to tough it out and do his job, but he was short tempered (more than usual) and he was rubbing everyone the wrong way.  Before I convinced him to take a step back I was putting out fires every time he spoke to someone. Preventing fires in the first place seemed more reasonable.

 

We were trying to always have somebody ready to go Outside, but things were more complicated than just finding someone who wanted to be Out. They had to be compatible with the Core at the moment they were needed, and that was tricky.  The Core was fluctuating almost constantly, and I wasn’t entirely sure what made someone compatible with it from one moment to the next. 

 

What I *did* know was that success rates were much lower when Marco was yelling at people. He didn’t want to go back to his own place, so I made him stay home at my apartment. I only called Marco when we needed him to go Outside (and I was trying not to need that.)

 

Kasey, of all people, was helping me out.  I didn’t ask him to. He just knew something was up and came sniffing around.  I found him sort of annoying, and I would never have picked him, but I needed the help, so...

 

He pressed his hand flat to the Core and narrowed his eyes.  “Ok, ok, so we sent Nathan Out there a couple’a days ago. He always gets homesick if he stays too long, so we should try to get someone else Out.”

 

“Do you think..” I chewed on my thumbnail while I thought. “...we should find someone similar to him, or someone different?”

 

“Uuh..” Kasey closed his eyes and furrowed his brow. He took deep breaths.  “I can’t... I can’t tell. I ain’t sure what... I mean.. I’m not sure that makes a difference?” He removed his hand from the Core and looked at me. “What really helps is if *he* has an idea for who should replace him.” Kasey gestured to the Core. “Cuz it helps if they know who to expect.  They can help, if they know who’s comin’.”

 

“We’ve been looking at sending completely new people out there, how could we possibly—“

 

“When we were younger we made all kinds of characters and shit. A lot of them are runnin’ ‘round in here somewhere.”

 

I tried to sincerely consider Kasey’s thought, even though he cut off my sentence and I didn’t feel like listening to him. “Ok,” I said, trying not to sound irritated. “So.. we need him to think about that then.”

 

“Yea..”

 

We looked at the Core silently for a moment, then Kasey reached out to touch it again.  He breathed slowly, and deeply. On every long exhale his hand sunk into the Core a little more. When he was in up to his elbow I noticed his eyes rolled back and his lids fluttered. His lips moved silently. 

 

After several minutes Kasey pulled his hand out and looked at me again. “We gotta find someone named Alex.”

 

“Alex?”

 

“He’s like... some kind of sentient android?”

 

“Do you mean Axel?”

 

Kasey snorted. “That’s funny. Cuz he’s a machine, right?”

 

“His creator-“

 

“Was a dad, right?  Cuz that’s a solid dad-joke!”

 

I took a deep breath while Kasey chuckled at himself.  I was tired, and sick, and I missed Marco.  To be more accurate, I missed the version of Marco who didn’t know I frequently saw his darkest thoughts.  He tried to be cool about it for a while, but I was certain his current state was mostly provoked by my casual violation of his privacy. 

 

“Yes,” I said, “It’s hilarious. *Anyway*,” I shot him a sideways glare, “I know *of* him. That character was written in... high school? That means Reggie might know him.”

 

“Where’s she been, anyway?” 

 

“Reggie has been,” I searched for the right word, “unwell.  Artemis has been staying with her.  But I think she can still help.  I think it might be good for her to have something to do.”

 

We walked into the Void together.  Kasey chattered senselessly, and I pretended I was listening. 

 

I’m not proud of that.  

 

But he just *never stops talking.*

 

I didn’t know how he could focus while there were words coming out of his mouth.  I wasn’t sure *I* could focus. If one of us didn’t think about where we were going, we’d just be walking forever. 

 

“I annoy you, dont I?” Kasey said.

 

“What!?” I snapped, startled by the question. 

 

“It’s alright if I do. I don’t care. I mean I *care*, I just ain’t *offended* ‘r nuthin’.”

 

I took a breath. 

 

I didn’t know what to say. This was not a conversation I wanted to have. 

 

“Alrigh’, I’m sensing that you’dn’t want me t’ notice.” Kasey said. “But you ain’t hidin’ it very well.”

 

“You’re *sensing* that I don’t want to talk about this,” I heard myself quip. I pressed my lips together. *Dammit, don’t be an asshole!*

 

“Alright alright, just tell me, like.. what is it that annoys you?  Everyone’s got a different thing— believe me you are *not* the first person who can’t fuckin’ stand me.  I can try t’ kick it back a noch.  Y’know? I don’t want you t’ just be annoyed all the time.”

 

I rolled my eyes and said, “I don’t know Kasey, you’re just exhausting to be around!”

 

“Oooh, ok.  See?  I know what t’do with that!”

 

 “Can we just *do* what we’re trying to do here?” I asked, exasperated. 

 

“Okay, alright,” Kasey said appeasingly, then fell mercifully silent. 

 

We walked quietly for half a minute before we came to a door. I resisted the urge to say something like ‘do you see how fast this is when your actually focused on what your doing?’  Instead I took a deep breath and knocked. 

 

We waited.  

 

Artemis opened the door cautiously. Kasey sniffed the air. I thought I smelled weed. 

 

“Oh it’s *you* guys,” Artemis said, and opened the door all the way. 

 

The apartment was hazy with smoke, and it spilled out the door around Kasey and me. Kasey grinned. 

 

“Oh, it’s a fuckin’ party in here!”  He said and followed Artemis inside. 

 

I closed the door behind me. 

 

The inside of Reggie’s apartment looked like an art studio.  There were canvases leaned against the walls, and tarps spread across the floor.  I noticed that Artemis was covered in paint, and Reggie (who was sitting on the floor in front of a painting) matched him.  Except she wasn’t wearing pants, just a black pair of underwear and one of Artemis’ shirts. I inhaled uncomfortably as I felt Kasey stare at her thighs. 

 

Artemis bent down to kiss the top of her head and took something from her hand. 

 

“Do you guys want any?” He offered us a burning joint.

 

Kasey put his hands on my shoulders. “*Please* give this cranky fucker some weed!”

 

I shot him a cold look, but I took the joint from Artemis.  Kasey was right, annoying or not. I felt sick and I needed this. 

 

“So hey,” Kasey said, “we’re lookin’ for this guy named Alex and we thought Reggie might know ‘im?”

 

“Alex?”  Reggie turned to look at us. 

 

I shook my head and passed the joint to Kasey. “Not Alex. *Axel*.”

 

“*Oh, Axel!*” Reggie said and stood up. “I remember him!  God it’s been a while.”

 

“Can you take us to him?” I asked. “I don’t know enough about him to find his world.”

 

“Sure!  Arty!  You wanna come with?”  Reggie’s eyes lit up.

 

Artemis shrugged. “Ok. Whatever.”  Kasey passed the joint back to Artemis, who passed it back to me and said, “Camp on this, man. You look like hell.”

 

I took the joint and tried to make eye contact with Artemis, but he wasn’t looking at me.  He was bustling around the apartment. He disappeared into the bedroom for a moment and returned in a clean shirt. He had cloths in his hands for Reggie, and he tossed them to her. 

 

He also had a messenger bag across his shoulder and he put things into it as he moved around the apartment. I watched him grab a glass masen jar full of marijuana off the table, as well as the glass pipe and lighter that had been next to it.

 

Reggie changed her shirt in the middle of the living room, and I saw Kasey grin out the corner of my eye. I elbowed him. 

 

“What?” He hissed. 

 

“You know what,” I hissed back. 

 

“Chill out, boys,” Reggie said, “I’m, like, wearing a bra.  And I *know* you’ve seen tits before.”

 

“Yea I’ve eaten steak before too, don’t mean I never wanna eat it again.” Kasey said.  “I *like* tits. Fuckin’ sue me.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “You’re so... uncouth.”

 

“I’m a fuckin’ *werewolf*.”

 

“Guys,” Artemis closed the fridge and shoved a couple bottles of water into his bag, “Stop bickering.”

 

“Do you have everything we need?” Reggie asked him. 

 

Artemis shrugged. “Prolly not.”  

 

He handed the bag over to Reggie and she pawed through it.  She smiled and laughed quietly to herself. 

 

“It’s a little random but I can’t think of anything else we could possibly want.”  She grinned at Artemis and held up what looked like a small, green, rubber ducky with tiny little devil horns.

 

Artemis giggled and covered his mouth.  “He wanted to come!”

 

“Alright, whatever you say, weirdo.”  Reggie handed his bag back and kissed his cheek. “Animists, am I right?” She said as she moved past Kasey and I.

 

We followed her into the Void, and Kasey leaned in to whisper to me. “Hey, what’s ‘at word mean?”

 

I felt my eyes start to roll, and I took a long blink to stop myself. “An animist is someone who believes that everything has a spirit, or a consciousness.”

 

“Oh shit, I’m one’a those,” Kasey said. 

 

“Yes. You are.” I sighed. 

 

“Are you two gonna be like this the whole time?” Artemis said behind us. “Because it’s *kind of* harshing my buzz.”

 

“Sorry, Artemis.” I said. 

 

“No that’s my bad,” Kasey said, “David finds me exhausting.”

 

“Kasey!” I protested. 

 

“What? You do!”

 

“Hey Kasey,” Artemis said, “why don’t you go chat with Reggie?”

 

“You’d be cool with that?”

 

“Why would I not be cool with that?” Artemis looked confused. 

 

“Because,” I said, “you’re clearly sleeping with Reggie. He expects you to be jealous.”

 

“What?  Ew.” Artemis wrinkled his nose. “I don’t *own* her, man. She can do what she wants.  Now go!”

 

Kasey trotted forward, and Artemis took his spot next to me. 

 

“Are you ok, David?” He asked me. “I brought a bunch of green if your still sick.”

 

“No, thank you. It’s not that. I’m just tired.”

 

“Ok. I get it. Kasey is a *massive* extrovert.” Artemis dug through his bag as we walked. 

 

“It’s... It’s not just that...” I said. 

 

Artemis handed me a glass pipe and a lighter. “Here, you’re still super tense, man.  Is everything ok with you and Marco?”

 

I didn’t remember telling anyone that Marco and I were *a thing*, but.. Artemis was an empath.  Nobody *told me* that Artemis and Reggie were together. I worried briefly about how Marco would feel about people figuring it out.  He didn’t like other people in his business. 

 

I exhaled a cloud of smoke. 

 

“He’s just overwhelmed by...” I trailed off. I wanted to unload some things, but I didn’t want to betray Marco’s trust. “It doesn’t matter. He’s just been sort of.. volatile and unpredictable.”

 

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Artemis said. “So you don’t get a moment to relax.”

 

“It’s fine, Arty. He’s just..”

 

“I’m not talking about him. I’m talking about you.” Artemis pressed. “You literally can’t take care of everyone else all the time. You need to take care of yourself, David.”

 

“It’s not that simple, Arty.”

 

“I didn’t say it’d be *simple*”

 

“Artemis, I can’t just—“ I stopped myself and took a breath. I was not about to start yelling at Arty because *I* had issues. I leaned down and slowed my pace to distance us from Kasey and Reggie. “Listen, you can’t repeat this *ever* to *anyone* but Marco has been age-sliding and half the time I’m coming home to a messed-up, angry child. I literally do not have the time to spend on myself.”

 

“Jesus Christ,” Artemis breathed. “D’you need help?  I could—“

 

I shook my head “You’re already taking care of Reggie. And you’re doing a great job, don’t split your attention.”

 

“Ask somebody else then,” he urged me, “Marco is.. well *you* know. I think you need someone to do this with you.” Artemis glanced ahead at Kasey. “I know he irks you, but he’d be a decent choice.  He likes kids, and Marco can’t play dominance games with him. He’s a werewolf. He wins.”  Arty shrugged and trotted ahead of me. “Just saying.”

 

We caught up with Reggie and Kasey again, and we walked silently behind them until we came to a door. It was metal, and it’s frame was concrete. It looked like the sort of thing you’d find on a boiler room or in a maintenance tunnel. Kasey pounded his fist on it. 

​

I heard rustling and whispering behind the door before it opened a crack. 

 

“Who’s there?!”

 

“Axel?  It’s Reggie, do you remember me?”

 

Axel opened the door a little further and looked at the four of us carefully. When he was satisfied, he pulled the door open completely and ushered us inside. 

 

“You knock like a cop,” he said. 

 

“Oh shit, that was me. My bad man.” Kasey said. 

 

The room was small and furnished with trash. Old crates for seating and boxes with rags spread across them as tables. There was a pile of dirty blankets in a corner. 

 

“Do you remember who I am?” Reggie asked, “it’s been a few years.”

 

“I remember everything,” Axel said. 

 

“Cool, because we need you to go Outside.” Kasey said. 

 

“Me?”

 

“Yea man.  It’ll be easy. You’ll already know who you are.  Although,” Kasey made a face, “We kinda think your name is Alex, apparently. We’re dyslexic, I’m sure that’s why.”

 

“Alex?” Axel said the name and stared at nothing for a moment. “I think I like that better.”

 

“Ok, we shouldn’t dilly-dally,” I said, “Nathan needs to come home before he starts getting cranky.  He started out a bit moody as it is.”

 

“Relax, David,” Reggie said, “you’re so impatient.”

 

“I am *very* patient, Reggie.”  I snapped.

 

“No need to quarrel, friends,” Alex said. “We can go. I don’t require pleasantries.”

 

He stood up and opened the door again. This time it opened to a concrete maintenance tunnel. We all followed him outside. 

 

“My existence is illegal, so I live in the tunnels under the city.  One day I found an access panel that was... unique.”

 

“Hey what’d’y’mean illegal?” Kasey asked. 

 

“I’m a sentient AI.  My existence is outlawed by the galactic government.  Father was killed a month after I was complete. They destroyed his research and burned his home.”

 

“Christ, man are you alright?” Kasey said. 

 

“I found it difficult to process emotionally, so I turned that function off.”

 

Kasey shot us all a concerned look over his shoulder. 

 

“That might actually be useful right now. Things are stressful.” I said. 

 

“It is quite useful,” Alex affirmed. “Anyway, I found an access panel.” He stopped and opened a small metal door in the wall. Behind it was a glowing colored light. 

 

“That’s Nathan’s color, isn’t it?” I said to Kasey. 

 

He nodded. “Sure is.  So you can get Outside from here?”

 

“Probably.  I can communicate from here.”

 

“Somebody should go back to the Core,” I said, “so Nathan isn’t alone when he comes back.”

 

“Ooh, good plan.” Kasey agreed. “You go.  I’ll met’y back there in a minute.”

 

Artemis reached out and touched my arm.  I looked at him and he smiled at me.   

 

I closed my eyes and thought about the Core. I thought about going home to Marco later. I wondered what fresh hell his twisted little mind had cooked up while he was alone in my apar— no. No. I’m thinking about the Core. Because that’s where I’m trying to go. 

 

“Hey buddy, yer still here,” Kasey said.

 

I glared at him. 

 

“Let me help,” Artemis said, then he turned to Reggie.  “You gonna be ok getting home?”

 

“Yea Yea. I’ll make Kasey take me.”  Reggie twirled her hair and raised one eyebrow. 

 

Artemis touched my arm and we were standing at the Core. I clicked my tongue, and Artemis squeezed his fingers a little. 

 

“It’s ok, man. You’re just tired.”

 

I looked up at the Core. It’s color was slowly shifting.  I watched carefully for Nathan, and rushed forward to catch him as he staggered out. 

 

“Oh hey... David,” He said, “I’m just gonna... go home now. Kay?”  

 

Nathan exhaled and became sea water in my arms.  I gasped, and scoffed, and was generally displeased to be suddenly drenched. 

 

Artemis covered his mouth and tried not to laugh.

 

I sighed. “Well I guess I didn’t really need to be here for that.”  I untucked my shirt and wrung water out of it. 

 

“Yea,” Artemis shrugged, “but if he needed you, you woulda been here.”

 

I took a breath and reminded myself that being *relentlessly negative* wasn’t going to help anything. Artemis was going out of his way to be supportive and helpful, and I was an asshole for feeling irritated by that. I slid my fingers under my glasses and pinched the bridge of my nose.

 

“May I try something?” Artemis asked. He took a cautious step toward me. “I’ve been doing it for Reggie. I think it helps.”

 

“Sure,” I breathed, exasperated. 

 

Artemis approached me and held his hands out. His eyelids closed and flickered, then he moved his hands like the air was made of water and he wanted it to move. I felt... something. Black goo seeped out of me and gathered around Artemis’ hands. It came out in a trickle at first, but then it came in thick clumps that stole my breath on their way out.

 

Artemis stopped when I began gasping for air. He freed one of his hands from the goo and dug around in his bag. He pulled out an empty glass jar, and began feeding the goo into it. It seemed like it wouldn’t fit, but Artemis just kept stuffing it in until he could screw the cap on. He put it in his bag and handed me a bottle of water. 

 

“Drink something,” he said, and opened a bottle for himself. 

 

“What did you.. *how* did you..?”

 

“Energy Work,” Artemis said, “Jamie grew up on a commune with a bunch of hippies. They taught me stuff whenever we visited. Its actually a practical skill here. How do you feel?”

 

“I feel.. quiet.”  It was like there had been an irritating voice in my ear this whole time that I only noticed now because it was gone. 

 

It was refreshing. 

 

“Quiet is probably good.” Artemis said. 

 

“It feels more natural.”

 

When things were going well and I was feeling positive, there wasn’t a whole lot of chatter in my head. I was centered, and focused on the task at hand, and my patience seemed limitless. When I was under stress for long periods of time my head got all noisy. It chattered on about everything, but not in a way where I could address any of its concerns. They overlapped and piled up and became steadily more insistent even though there was nothing I could practically do about anything. 

 

I stood in my own silence for a moment, just breathing.  I looked at the Core, and I felt like I could more easily sense what was going on Outside.  I touched it, and I could feel Alex. 

 

He was doing a lot of things that the rest of us didn’t have the energy for.  He was making lists of things that needed handled, and he was creating step by step plans for how to accomplish those things. He seemed competent, and I was certain he wouldn’t need any hand-holding. 

 

“Are you gonna ask Kasey to help you with Marco?” Artemis asked. 

 

The thought of letting someone help no longer filled me with agitation.  However, I wasn’t sure how Marco would react to me bringing someone else home with me.  I knew for sure he didn’t want anyone else to see him in his current state.  Half the reason he’d been yelling at everyone was because he needed the anger to keep from completely falling apart under pressure. 

 

“I don’t know,” I answered, “it might cause more problems than it solves.”

 

“What might cause more problems than it solves?” Kasey said behind me, and I startled. 

 

“N-nothing, Kasey.”  He looked at me suspiciously, so I cocked an eyebrow and said, “I expected you to take a little longer.”

 

Kasey smirked. “Hey man, I’m good at what I do.”

 

“Can she still walk?” Artemis said. 

 

“I dunno man,” Kasey answered, “but she didn’t walk me to the door.”

 

I snorted. 

 

“Alright, I gotta go.”  Artemis waved and headed into the Void. 

 

“Ok so what’s goin’ on?” Kasey asked me. 

 

“Nothing, Kasey, just..” I sighed and trailed off. 

 

“Oh I get it. It’s like a personal thing, huh?”

 

“Yes, Kasey!  It’s personal!” I snapped. 

 

“Kay, well d’y’need to go handle it?” Kasey asked. “Cuz I can hold down the fort.”

 

“Yes, actually.” I started to head into the Void, but I stopped and turned back. “Can you just...” I hesitated, “can you come by my place in about thirty minutes?”

 

“Um.. how’re either of us supposed to know when it’s been that long? Time means almost nothing here.”

 

“Ugh, I don’t know. Just come by my place later. Okay?”  I said. “And *don’t* mention that I asked you over.”

 

“Alright. I can be discreet, believe it or not.”

 

“You better.” I said before I turned and strode into the Void. 

 

I tried to calm down again before I got home. Nothing good could possibly happen if I came through the door all stressed out and irritated. When I got to my door I just stood there for a moment.  

 

I played it in my head several times.  No matter what he did, no matter what he said, no matter how strong his emotions, I would remain calm. 

 

*I am not a mirror. I am the air. You cannot effect me. I am everywhere. I am everything. I am not you. I am the air.*

 

*And I’m definitely not fucking shaking right now!  Oh my god, David, pull it together.*

 

I took a deep breath and stood up straight. 

 

*I am not a mirror.*

 

I opened the door and tried to walk in as though I were happy to be home. I looked around—

 

A medium-sized stone rectangle had appeared between the kitchen and the living room.  Marco was laying face down on top of it. He looked like he was thirteen, but his leather jacket was the same size.  I hadn’t asked about it, but it felt like it was passed down to him from an older family member. 

 

He was awake, but his eyes were staring, unfocused, at the floor. 

 

“Marco?” I said gently. 

 

He blinked. I saw his body tense for a moment. “David?” He asked. 

 

“Yes, it’s David.”

 

He sat up and rubbed his eyes. I felt pressure in the air. Marco’s feelings roiled under the surface, and I couldn’t tell which way he was going to go. 

 

I focused on my breath. 

 

Marco’s face twisted and he spread his hand to cover it. He sobbed once and tried to fight it back. 

 

I sat down on the stone next to him but didn’t touch him. I’d learned that Marco often responded to comfort with violence, but he also wanted (and more importantly *needed*) to be comforted. Ignoring him made him feel abandoned, though it was the quietest option.  It was quiet because he would disappear somewhere and cut himself.  

 

I looked straight ahead. “Did you dream about her?”

 

“You fucking know I did!” He shouted. 

 

My eyes fluttered shut and I took a breath. 

 

“I didn’t, actually.”  I tried not to sound short, but my whole body ached and his voice was like a punch in the chest. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“No I don’t wanna *fucking talk about it!!*”

 

I breathed through the pain.  His anger tried to rise in me like fire but I didn’t move. I didn’t say anything. I just breathed. 

 

When I could control my actions again I stood up and bustled around the kitchen. I wasn’t great at cooking, but Marco still perceived affection when I made him food.  Sad Marco was still painful to be around, but at least there was one thing I could do that he accepted. 

 

Angry Marco was like a rabid dog and I hadn’t figured out any way to respond that he couldn’t just keep barking at.  I couldn’t see what was under the anger most of the time. It was so bright that it washed everything else out.  He reminded me of Dante when he was like that. He said things that he knew would provoke me into fighting with him.  It took every ounce of my self control to not to take the cheep shots that would shut him up. 

 

Let’s just say I now understood the urge to toss him in a closet and have some goddamn peace. 

 

I made spaghetti. It was easy, and Marco liked it.  If I wanted him to feel extra loved I just had to add a bunch of garlic to a bottled sauce. 

 

Low energy comfort food. 

 

The smell of sautéd garlic alone usually made him smile. 

 

Not this time though. 

 

Marco was in a lot of pain. I stole glances over my shoulder while I cooked, and he was just sitting there shaking, trying to hold it all in.  

 

“Marco,” I called to him when I was finished, “come to the table.”

 

I sat at the table with two bowls of spaghetti. I placed one in front of his empty chair and waited quietly. 

 

Marco sniffed, and wiped his face, and breathed before he stood and came to the table. He sat heavily in his chair and moved his noodles around with his fork. I could tell he wasn’t hungry, but eating it wasn’t the point. Making it for him was the point. 

 

“I love you, Marco,” I said quietly. 

 

Tears sprang to his eyes and he scowled. I closed my eyes and breathed before he could even start. 

 

“Why the *fuck* would you do that to me!?  That’s what the fuckin’ pasta’s for!!  So y’don’t have to *say* that shit!!”  I heard him throw his fork across the room, and my eyes shot open. 

 

“Don’t throw things, young man!” 

 

“Don’t talk to me like your my goddamn father!” Marco shouted at me. 

 

“Then don’t *act* like a *goddamn child!*” I shouted back. 

​

There was a knock at the door and we both focused our attention on it. 

 

“Who the fuck is that?” Marco demanded. 

 

“How should I know?” I snapped at him as I stood up and went to the door. 

 

I turned the knob and Kasey pressed his way inside. “Damn, you guys, I could hear that shit from a *goodly* distance away. What the fuck is up?”

 

“Why don’t you mind your own goddamn business, Wolf-man!”

 

“Hey y’ tiny fucker!  How long have you been a bratty little kid?”  Kasey paused to sniff the air. “Y’all ain’t been fuckin’, so I’mma guess it’s been a minute?”

 

Marco scowled harder than I thought was possible. He kicked his feet under his chair. I felt him realize that Kasey would obviously know because he could smell us on each other. 

 

“Yea that’s what I thought,” Kasey muttered. “David, is this kid here bein’ a giant fuckin’ dick t’you all the time?”

 

I hesitated. 

 

“David, don’t fucking talk to him!” Marco barked. 

 

“Hey!”  Kasey barked back. “You don’t tell David who he can fuckin’ talk to!  Y’ hear me??”  Kasey marched into the kitchen. Marco scrambled to leave the table but Kasey caught him by the back of his jacket. 

 

“What’re you doin’?!” Marco protested, and Kasey shook him. 

 

“I’m discovering’ that our *healer* is in an abusive fuckin’ relationship with our *protector*!  That’s what I’m fuckin’ doin’!” Kasey hollered in Marco’s face. 

 

“Hey fuck you man!!” Marco struggled. “I’m not fucking abusive!”

 

Kasey dragged Marco over to me and held him off the floor so that we were face to face.  “Hey David,” Kasey said, “D’you feel a little abused?  Cuz your attitude lately sorta implies that y’do.”

 

I looked down and blinked at the floor.  I could feel Marco, I didn’t need to see the look on his face. 

 

The boy was a powder keg.  He was angry at everything he felt, and he was angry at himself, and if I looked at him he’d direct his anger at me because that was less painful than handling how my gaze would make him feel. 

 

Kasey put Marco’s feet back on the floor. “Y’don’t live here no more, child,” Kasey said and dragged Marco to the door. “Yer comin’ with me, cuz I know what t’do with messed up lil brats like you!”

 

“Kasey don’t hurt him!”  I called after them. I couldn’t tell if I was panicking or if Marco was panicking. This isn’t what I expected to happen when I asked Kasey for help. 

 

“Don’t you worry, Doc!  I’mma take real good care’a him!”

 

I watched Marco struggle to get away. My fingers gripped the edge of the door as he tried to call to me. Kasey prevented him from speaking full sentences by shaking him and growling at him.  Marco was frightened, and confused, and ashamed.

 

He hadn’t realized he was hurting me. 

 

He was too focused on coping with his own pain. 

 

I closed the door behind them and went back to my place at the table. I sat, and I was still for a long moment. Then suddenly it all flooded out of me. I pushed the bowl of spaghetti away from me and put my head down on the table to cry. 

 

I felt guilty. This isn’t what I intended. I was alone in my home without Marco, and I felt *so relieved*.  An angry werewolf just hauled him away, and it was *my fault*!  I shouldn’t feel *relieved*!  I shouldn’t have *let* Kasey take him, but I wanted him to. I wanted Marco out of my home, and I felt *terrible*.  

 

I loved Marco.

 

I just couldn’t take being afraid to come home. Not for this reason. Not because of him.  He was the one who convinced me that coming home to rest was a good idea. 

 

It was too much. 

 

I cried because I was ashamed of my relief, and I cried because I didn’t have to keep a lid on what I felt anymore.  All of the pain and hurt Marco caused me was free to erupt now without provoking him. 

 

I snatched his bowl off the table and hurled it against the wall. Ceramic and red sauce exploded with a satisfying crash. Fire still burned hot inside me, and I chucked my bowl across the room as well. I kicked my chair and gripped the edge of the table. It felt surprisingly light as I flipped it across the kitchen. 

 

I opened my mouth and screamed with so much force that my throat hurt. Then I dropped to the floor in a tight ball and sobbed.