Narrator: Marcy

"No no no what did I do?  What did I do? What did I do?”

I paced back and forth, holding myself, worrying my fingertips. 

“You taught that stupid boy a lesson,” said a voice from behind me. I turned but there was nobody. I could feel his eyes though. And his grin. 

“I hurt him!  He just wanted a... a *little* bit of affection and I wouldn’t...”

“He *always* wants affection. Isn’t that the problem?”

“No I— I don’t know!” I pulled at my hair, dug my fingertips into my scalp. 

“Didn’t you say he was greedy and selfish?”

“I felt him die a little inside when I left...”

“And what do you owe him?  Hm?  *He’s* the one freeloading in your head!! You never asked for all this!! And there’s more people showing up every day!!”

I shook and cried.

I could see the Outside, but I couldn’t tell who was Out. There were too many now, the differences in behavior were so subtle. I never wanted this. 

Everything felt so complicated now. 

I was confused all the time. 

It wasn’t Jack’s fault that there were too many people now. It was Jack’s fault that my relationship with Angie was over— although...

“Yes. There are others. Many of them have defied you. Mr. White has a list of betrayers. *Would you like to hear it?*”

Every time they said each other’s names I almost remembered who they were. Mr. Black, and Mr. White.  I knew them.. but from where?  

I knew I shouldn’t trust them, but his words lit up my insides and I couldn’t resist. 

“Yes. Tell me,” I said. 

“My ears are ringing,” Mr. White cooed as he drifted into the edge of my vision. 

“Mr. White,” said Mr. Black, “who is responsible for the sudden presence of so many new personalities Outside?  So many it is difficult to keep track.”  Mr. Black floated to the other side of me, shaking his head mournfully. 

“Oh, yes. *Nathan*.  Observe.”

My view of the Outside shifted. It was months ago. Before we broke up with Angie. Back when I was keeping a tenuous grip on how many of me there were. The pressure Inside was building up, but Outside there were only 13 or so of us. 

God. 13 or so?

I had started feeling anxious about it somewhere back around 7. It was too many. Too many for me to keep track of. To many for our friends to keep track of. Definitely too many for Angie to keep track of if we kept spending all our time with Kate and Susan!!  Did she even know the new ones?  Oh god the knew ones!  13, Jesus, it was more like... 17?  

AND WHY ARE THEY ALL BOYS??

I rocked myself back and forth as I watched. 

Nathan was with Kate and Susan, *of course*. We were in our school’s building for the Fashion Department. We were.. I wasn’t sure what we were doing. There were stacks of drawings and we were.. organizing them?  It doesn’t matter.

I was seeing it from two angles at once. I could see it as though I were in my body, and I could see it as though I were a camera on the ceiling behind us. I knew this was Nathan, because I could feel his tail. He was aware of it the way someone is aware of their arm after it’s been amputated. 

He was telling Kate and Susan that he could feel more of us. So many more of us. He told them that I wouldn’t let the others Out. That I was afraid of them. 

Kate and Susan suggested that The Others already exist, and that actively suppressing them might be counterproductive to their purpose.  Susan likes to speak as accurately as possible. 

I liked that about her. 

I felt Nathan processing her words. 

“This,” Mr. White hissed in my ear, “is where he decides to *betray* you!”

I scowled. 

I felt Nathan decide that Kate and Susan were right. I felt this information spread through us like wildfire. I felt everyone realize they didn’t have to listen to me anymore. 

“I mean really,” Mr. White went on, “this is when *everyone* betrayed you.”

I felt sick. 

Tears came and my body shook. I cried and screamed. 

“There there,” Mr. White purred. “Let it out, love.  That’s a good *girl*.”

“You should punish him,” Mr. Black growled. “This is all his fault!  Everything changed at *this* moment!  *He* opened the floodgates!!  *He* is why you can’t keep track of what’s going on!  There are too many!!!  This is *your* life!  They can’t just take it from you!!”

Rage surged through me. 

*Nathan*.

I was in his house. 

He was sitting on his couch with a bong. He startled when I appeared. 

“Oh my fucking *god*,” he choked out a cloud of white smoke. “Marcy?”

“You!” I snarled. “YOU!!”

“Uuuum?”  Nathan carefully set his bong down on the coffee table and stood up. “Marcy, I can see that you’re mad-“

“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!”

“Oh shit-“ Nathan stumbled backwards then turned and ran from me. 

I stormed after him. Nathan was fast but my will was stronger.  I caught him and I pinned him to the ground.  My fingers wrapped around his throat. 

“No wait!  Tell me what I did!!”

“YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!”

I squeezed. 

“No,” Nathan gasped, “I don’t... Please..”

“You decided nobody needs to *listen to me*!!”

Nathan made a gurgling sound as I pressed harder into his throat. His arms and legs flailed and he pulled at my cloths.  I watched his face contort as he struggled to breathe. 

His eyes unfocused.

Goo began to seep out of him. 

*He’s going to die if you don’t stop.*

*Who cares?  He’s disobedient and disrespectful!!  All he cares about is getting high and ‘chillaxing’.  Pitiful creature!*

*But strangling him is so satisfying.  If he dies.. then he’s dead.*

I loosened my grip. A shallow breath wheezed into him. I stood up and clutched my hands together.  

What was I doing?

Nathan didn’t get up. 

“Oh god,” I whispered and covered my mouth.  I was horrified, and yet I still wanted to strangle him. My hands were shaking. 

He was still alive. Barely conscious. I could feel his confusion. His pain. His fear. We weren’t close the way Jack and I were close, but my anger still hurt him. He was blindsided by it.

Nathan was afraid of me now. 

“What have you done, girl?” Mr. White said. “He’s going to tell everyone. They’re going to hunt you down. We have to contain him.”

“Contain him?” 

Mr. Black laughed ominously.  “I can take care of him.”

“Come with me, girl,” Mr. White said. 

We went back to the Void and I stared vacantly Outside.  

“Do you feel better? Marcy?” Mr. White asked. “Now that Nathan has been punished?”

“...No,” I answered. 

I felt empty.  

I could feel Jack calling for me. Begging me to come back to him. He didn’t like being alone, and I couldn’t remember how long ago I’d left him. 

“You’ll feel better after *everyone* has been properly punished.”

I sat down. “I want to go see Jack,” I said. 

Mr. Black appeared suddenly. “Jack is paying for his insolence!  He deserves to be alone!!”

“But I can feel him. I really hurt him.”

“Yes!  You did!  That was the point!” Mr. Black laughed. “You’re *weakness* is your empathy!  Everyone *knows* you will back down if you think they’re hurt!  They’re like disobedient children!  They use your *feelings* to *manipulate* you!  They aren’t hurt!  They just don’t want you to be in control!  They want to *fool* you! Jack only wants you to come back so he can convince you that he’s ‘sorry’ so you’ll ‘forgive’ him. And then what do you think he’ll do?”

I didn’t say anything. 

“He’ll just *walk all over you again!*” Mr. Black screamed. 

I squeezed my eyes shut and hugged myself. 

“Don’t frighten the girl so,” Mr. White cooed and settled around my shoulders. “There there, my pretty little thing.  Don’t think about Jack anymore.”

“What did you do with Nathan?” I asked quietly. 

Mr. Black grinned. “I simply trapped him in a loop.”

Mr. Black made a sweeping motion and I could see Nathan, pinned beneath me, struggling for air. There was so much fear in his eyes. 

My heart began to race. 

“Remember how good it felt?” Mr. Black growled in my ear. “Don’t let your *feelings* ruin it. He’s only acting so pathetic so you’ll pity him. He’s just playing with your heartstrings. Remember how good it felt to *squeeze*.”

I remembered. 

Rage still simmered inside of me. 

Hurting Nathan didn’t fix it. 

Hurting Jack hadn’t fixed it. 

So far I only felt worse. 

“Ignore their pain the way they ignore yours!” Mr. Black hissed. 

I sobbed. 

I always felt invisible. 

I never mattered. 

“I know,” Mr. White hummed, “I know it hurts. Nobody cares. Nobody ever cared. Not even your friends— oh. I guess Angie got all the friends, didn’t she?  I’m so sorry my little pretty.”

Rage welled up in me again. I stared at the loop Mr. Black made. I watched myself choke Nathan and scream at him over and over again. Reliving the moment quelled the burning a little. 

I felt bad for Nathan. I didn’t want him trapped in this loop, but it was hypnotizing to watch. I hadn’t wanted to stop when I did. My anger needed somewhere to go or it just burned me from the inside out. This was at least something. 

And I couldn’t accidentally kill him. 

I wanted to destroy everything. I wanted to tear it all down and watch it burn. Everything was wrong!!  I could feel it deep in the pit of my being. 

Everything was wrong.